Self-Compassion as a Core Practice in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Self compassion is one of the key examples of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Our American culture has been one in which we are taught that the way to improve is to be “hard on ourselves”. To “not let ourselves off the hook” These are common beliefs I hear from my clients. Self compassion is not about letting ourselves off the hook. We still do our best to be accountable for choices we make that don’t serve us well and to strive to do better. But we do it through the lens of compassion. The research shows that “being hard on ourselves” (which is a disguised way of saying: “beat ourselves up”), does not work. It causes feelings that sap our energy and our will to improve. It causes shame which is perhaps the most complicated and sub-optimal way to feel. It makes us feel disempowered and hopeless. I could go on… On the other hand, self compassion helps us feel hopeful, energized, calm, open hearted and committed to growing.

But our tendency to beat ourselves up and tear ourselves down is pernicious and sneaky. It’s so deeply ingrained because these thought patterns (neural grooves) have been with us since our earliest years. So we must become more conscious of our inner life – our thoughts and feelings, so we can choose better thoughts when those sneaky negative thoughts try to run the show. And they are trying to run the show 24/7!

And when we recognize we are being hard on ourselves, we need to consciously practice rewriting the “tapes” that run in our mind. And one of the main forms of cognitive behavioral therapy that really helps is practicing self compassion.